Get fucked by Internet Explorer 5
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Get fucked by Internet Explorer 5 |
Microsoft, Gets ass kicked and squashed By Zaphod Beeblebrox and Norb Gib Staff Writers, CNET NEWS.COM May 14, 1998, 9:45 a.m. PT updateMicrosoft woke up this morning with a splitting headache! What's this? Bill thought as he tripped over his macintosh. "Microsoft is being a bunch of pig-headed shits" says an 8 year old kid. Bill Gates plans to make a speech announcing his rise to god hood later today from his bathroom. Netscape is scheduled to announce that it is going to run over bills sorry ass tomorrow morning "They have reached this limits of good taste. Bill and his henchmen will promptly trash all offices of anybody who will not use his web browser. Once Bill actually becomes god, there will be new laws of physics that require eating and breathing will be integrated in to internet explorer" someone said. Bill gates got on to his bicycle and rode through the country, thinking "oh, what a nice day this is!", when suddenly a 90,000 pound brick hit him on the head. He was dazed and proceeded to throw up waffles. Someone at microsoft decided what that viewing the world through a web browser is best for humanity. "Wasn't me." said Gates, "I personally hate the fucking thing"
As reported yesterday, Microsoft had said it was continuing undress regulatory officials to address any antitrust concerns. Bill took a fishing trip using AOL disks as bait. Bill likes eating trout, salmon, and corporations. Microsoft plans to continue assimilation efforts with Windows 98. "The desktop will be ours" said a spokes thing for Microsoft. Microsoft insists that packaging IE 4 and forcing users to use it is not unfair. "It doesn't prevent them from having their way... it just means no mater what, we still get our way" says Microsoft Bob. Later this month Microsoft plans to step in poo, then use the active update to remove netscape from any windows 98 machines that may have it. "OEMs are free to package Netscape navigator on their computers, but that doesn't mean it will stay there" grinned a Microsoft employee. A Justice Department official confirmed that users will probably be pleased with having IE 4 shoved up their butts, so why not? Because it's lame! That's why not. But user's don't know what they want or need. And when it comes to computers they don't know the difference between a car up their ass and a hole in their head. Bill stuck his head out of the windows and smelled the cool morning air. As he looked across the yard he spotted a strange object coming right for him! It was a pie! right in his face! But this was no ordinary pie. This was sulfuric acid pie... oh my... "I don't understand what the source of all of this resistance is." said Bill Gates while licking pie off of his face, "Internet Explorer 4 is a superior product. Everybody should want to use it. If they don't, we will make them use it. End users do not understand software like we do. We know what is best and we will make sure all users get it. Resistance is futile." Microsoft also announced release 2 of its active channel bar, which places Beavis and Butthead on your desktop. Their annoying "hu, hu, hu" will fill your offices even if you do not have sound cards. "This is excellent in a business environment" says Bill Nates. Version 3 of the channel bar will completely change it in to a "Porno Bar". This version will be pushed automatically on to everybody's desktop as an active update. "We plan to crush all competition by eliminating every last shred of productivity." Bill went on to say "And the beautiful thing is that they don't even have to be using Windows. We are porting Internet Explorer and all of it's productivity decreasing features to other major desktop platforms, including Macintosh and Unix." When asked if Windows tendency to crash a lot was also part of the plan to eliminate productivity, Bill responded "No, that's just shitty coding. But since it helps my plan, Im not going to take it out." "That dildo is going to get us all killed!" Exclaimed Bill Clinton after hearing about Windows 98, "If it were up to me, I would stick an old shoe in Gates' ear until he gives up. Of course, like everyone else, Gates owns me too." "Why shouldn't we ship Windows 98, It's going to make us a lot of fucking money!" burped bill. "Opps, I need to wipe that up" He continued, "Oh, did I mention you will bow down before me?" "And why shouldn't everyone use Internet Explorer 4? Its the best thing since sliced bread? It only requires a Pentium 2, 32 megs of ram, 2 gigs of hard drive space, and your undying loyalty to microsoft! if this goes right we could rule the world before the day is over!" Meanwhile, bill took a hammer and smashed a PC running Linux to make a point. Then he crushed some oranges and made orange juice. "I was all out of apples" he said. "A Microsoft janitor will stumble across Bill Gates's burned out carcass
in a maintenance closet late next week." Predicted a Netscape Spokesman
/ Psychic.
Business editor Beavis contributed to this report. Go to
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