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Welcome to Microsoft Windows 98

Welcome to my comments about what a piece of crap Windows 98 is.

Please sit back and relax while Windows 98 installs on your computer.

Translation: Sit back and relax while we force you to install IE 4 and otherwise frack up your system.

During this automated installation process, you'll learn about some of the enhancements to Windows 98 and a few of its exciting new features. After Windows 98 is installed, you are invited to take the Discover Windows 98 tours to learn more.

During this install you will hear a bunch of Microsoft propoganda that will make you believe that Windows 98 is the best thing since sliced bread.

Windows Just Got Better

Windows 98 helps you get the most out of your computer by making it easier to use, more reliable, faster, and more entertaining.

Easier to use: Folder options and utilities out the wazoo, toolbars and usless help descriptions all over the place? Too many options makes the user interface confusing and difficult to use. Oh, and those scrolling pop up menus handle like crap.

More reliable: Bullshit. IE 4 adds a huge pile of bugs so it is not more reliable than Windows 95.

Faster:  LIE! Only an idiot (and there are plenty of them) could possibly believe that Microsoft would ever make anything that is faster than the previous version, and only Microsoft could get away with saying that it is so! Actually,  if it weren't for IE 4 it might actually be a hair faster.

More entertaining: True, the Windows 98 user interface gives me a good laugh.

More Innovative

This new release includes hundreds of enhancements and new features based on customer requests and product support experiences.

Like its predecessor, Windows 98 supports new, cutting-edge technologies, while at the same time providing the best support for your current hardware and programs.

What customer asked for IE 4 to be forced, uninstallably, on to the user interface? Microsoft doesn't listen to customers! Jeze.

Cutting edge technologies? What the hell are they talking about? There is nothing in Windows 98 that hasn't been done elsewhere, earlier, and better.

"for your current hardware" means NEW hardware bought from the store that has USB devices and TV tuner crap in it. Win 98 won't improve shit on your old P90 who's only add-on was a CD-ROM drive.

Best support for current programs: True, because to force people to "upgrade" to Windows 98 many new Microsoft programs, and progrograms written by companies that are in bed with M$,  will no longer work on Windows 95 or at least without IE 4.

Easier to Use

Your computer and the Internet are easier to use than ever before. Simplified navigation features like the Back, Forward, and Favorites buttons make it easier to move among files, programs, and Internet sites.

Many people, including myself find this more awkward.

Windows 98 also makes it easier for you to select and open files and programs. You can select a file simply by moving the mouse pointer over it, and you can open a file or program with a single click.

Oh whoopee.

Easier to Get Help

If you have questions about using Windows 98, it's easy to get answers.  Windows 98 has a built-in Help system that is informative and easy to use.

So does Windows 3.0. Actually, I liked Windows 3.0's help system better.

If you have access to the Internet, you can visit the new Windows Update site, a Web-based extension of Windows 98 that includes the latest product assistance information.

And let Bill know what is on your hard drive while you are at it. And since it is all automatic, who knows what Bill will do to "update" your system... such as remove competitors programs.

Connects You to the Web

If you want to use the Internet, it’s never been easier or faster.

It's never been easier or faster for Bill to take your money. Sign up for the Microscrew Network today!

The Internet Connection wizard helps you configure your system and sign up with an Internet service provider of your choice.

But not with the browser of your choice. While we are at it, does everybody and their mother *really* need to be on the Internet?

For fast Web access, link several modems or quickly set up your ISDN connection by using the new wizard.

I don't think everybody and his mother is going to do that.

Brings the Web to Your Desktop

The integration of Windows 98 and Internet Explorer gives you the most rewarding way to use the Web.

Rewarding to Microsoft as they crush their competition.

New Explorer Bars, like Search, History, and Favorites, make it easier to find information.

And slow down your system and clutter up your desktop making it harder to find information.

You can schedule automatic content delivery to your desktop. You can customize your Windows desktop by using a Web page as a background.  You can easily create your own Web pages by using FrontPage Express.

A web page... as a background.... why? Somebody please tell me why!

Front page express blows.

Enhances Communication

Windows 98 gives you exciting tools that help you communicate and collaborate with family and colleagues worldwide.

You can e-mail family, meet face-to-face online with business associates, or watch a live presentation using the Internet.

Face to Face? Even if neither of you have a vidcam on your computer? Microsoft says Windows 98 will magically provide new hardware for you.

New Communication Tools

Using Outlook Express, not only can you send and receive e-mail messages and participate in newsgroups, you can also manage multiple e-mail accounts.

So you can receive twice as much spam from Microsoft

Using NetShow, you can experience events as they're happening because your computer can receive live or streaming multimedia from the Internet.

There are many other applications that can do that, and better.

You can hold online videoconferences, chat, and share resources by using NetMeeting.

Faster Performance

Windows 98 helps you get top-notch performance without adding new hardware. Programs start and run faster.

But thanks to IE 4 you will need to get at least another 16 megs of ram, you will probably need a larger hard drive to hold that huge ass mandatory browser, you will want faster video because of all of the animated menus and smooth scrolling list boxes. If you don't have a modem, all of that advertising on the desktop will pretty much convince you that you need one because every idiot needs to be on the internet. You will need a bigger monitor to fit all of those oversized droolbars and extra fluff. You will need a faster CPU to keep overactive desktop happy.

Programs run faster: They would run faster because of a slightly better defragger, but IE 4 slows that all down to a crawl, so any speed improvements get flushed down the toilet.

The Maintenance wizard suggests ways to improve your computer's performance and schedules regular disk maintenance.

The maintenance wizard suggest that to improve your computers performance you uninstall Windows 98.

Many new computers start instantly using the OnNow power management feature.

How about OffNow?

More Storage Space

Gain extra disk space by converting your hard disk to the FAT32 file system.

This file system also supports large capacity drives.

This is all supported in Windows 95 OSR2. Not that Bill would ever sell anyone a copy of OSR 2 directly because he knew that would decrease the sales of IE 4, er, I mean Windows 98.

Increased Dependability

With hundreds of enhancements and a new suite of wizards and smart tools, Windows 98 helps you keep your computer running smoothly.

The new Registry Checker monitors registry files and automatically repairs and restores the files as necessary.

Oh, super! Utilities to work around bugs and design flaws in Windows. Just what we need.

Windows 98 is year 2000 ready.

Microsoft has purchased the year 2000 and has made sure it is compatible with Windows 98.

Increased Reliability

System File Checker automatically locates modified or corrupted system files and then repairs and restores them.

Another utility to work around bugs and design flaws in Windows.

If your system is shut down improperly or there is a hard disk error, ScanDisk runs automatically to ensure that your hard disk is in good working condition.

So does Windows 95 OSR2

More Entertaining

By converging real-time 2-D and 3-D graphics, digital video and audio, and the Internet, Windows 98 redefines the role of the computer as an entertainment platform.

In other words, your computer is now a *fancy* toy.

With support for DVD, digital audio, and processors with MMX™ technology, you can watch full-motion, full-screen multimedia titles on your computer. With support for multiple monitors, you can extend your Windows desktop onto several monitors.

Watch movies on your stupid TV, that's what it is there for.

Multiple monitors? You have to have Windows 98 to do that? I have seen PC/XTs with multiple monitors!

                       * MMX is a trademark of Intel Corporation

Better Games

Games are more engaging and exciting with DirectX 5 capabilities, including digital audio, support for force feedback joysticks, and enhanced graphics and 3D.

DirectX 5 provides the fastest graphics and video performance for computer games.

DirectX 5 is available for Windows 95.

Supports New Hardware

Windows 98 supports more than a thousand new printers, modems, monitors, network adapters, and other hardware devices.

That are also supported on every other operating system.

Support for the new Universal Serial Bus (USB) provides a universal connection for many of the most popular devices like scanners and cameras. You simply plug in a USB device, and your system reconfigures itself. You don't even need to restart your computer.

Of course, Microsoft has conspired with hardware vendors to make sure that Microsoft is the only provider of drivers for USB and that it only works right in Windows 98. I suppose this is for the good of the consumer as well.

More Accessible

Windows 98 provides new accessibility features that make it easier for people to interact with computers.

Microsoft Magnifier enlarges a portion of your screen up to nine times its normal size. You can invert colors and use a high-contrast color scheme.

As if the toolbars weren't large enough already...

Color schemes could be changed as far back as... well, Windows 1.0!

More Customizable

The new Accessibility wizard helps you customize your computer screen, keyboard, and mouse to fit your needs.

To make items easier to see, you can increase the contrast, switch to a larger text size, and have your mouse pointer leave a trail. You can customize keyboard options and replace computer sounds with visual alerts.

Visual alerts like that big blue screen that tells you that an exception 0E has occurred in some weird place?

Check Out Windows Update

Stay up-to-date with this Web-based extension of Windows 98.

The Update wizard reviews your system, recommends the updates you need, and can install the updates you select.

Using Windows Update, you can quickly find answers to your questions about Windows 98 and get access to online product assistance.

I have a question about Windows 98.. If I put it on a computer that is not going to be connected to the internet, I will not need a web browser. How do I uninstall Internet Explorer 4? I won't need this application at all and I do not see it listed in add/remove programs. Why is that?

Thank You

Fuck you.

Please register your copy of Windows 98.

If you don't we will hunt you down and make your life a living hell.

The Microsoft Windows 98 Team

The Borg.

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