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Microsoft Windows 2001 features:
Integrated and Bundled unremoveably with:
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Eating - MS brand cereal will be "an integrated part of this nutritious breakfast". There will be a free IE CD in every box. It will be fortified with addictive mind altering drugs to keep eaters coming back and installing more MS products.
Breathing - Microsoft will purchase the worlds air supply and replace it with "Active Air"
Sleeping - Dreams will be injected with advertising provided through Microsoft. Your sleep patterns will be sent back to Microsoft for analysis so they can increase the effectiveness of their dream advertising.
Toilets - The amount and content of what you excrete must be registered in the waste management database that is powered by MSIE. Microsoft will use this information to enhance the next version of Windows.
Refrigerators - Your refrigerator will inventory your food supply and automatically order more food using MSIE. It only orders the worst Microsoft foods, and you can not change the settings.
Televisions - Oh, that is here already. Nuts, trying to watch the news and all I get is a blue screen... it must be MSNBC again.
Digital wrist watches - All digital wrist watches must have a personal scheduler, e-mail client, word processor, data base, spreadsheet, 3-d video games, video conferencing, and of course Microsoft's web browser. I'm not sure how you get to the feature anymore, but supposedly they keep time as well.
Clocks - All Microsoft clocks will connect to the internet using MSIE and synchronize with an atomic clock time server.
Time - Microsoft will buy all atomic clocks and then slow them down so they can get the next version of Windows/MSIE out on schedule.
Pants - Pants will have built in MSIE powered computers to inventory the contents of your pockets. Occasionally it electrocutes people if they put their hands in their pockets.
Cars - Browse the web while you drive. And they wonder why these cars crash so often.
Plains - Microsoft airways with Microsoft autopilots? I would rather fly ValueJet!
Trains - Remember the good old days when the trains ran on time? They now run several years behind schedule thanks to Microsoft.
Nuclear warheads - instead of plutonium, nuclear devices will use MSIE.
Household pets - animal collars will have built in web cameras so you can monitor your pet over the Internet, but only using MSIE. There will also be "unexplained" reports of these pets spontaneously combusting.
Socks - the new "Win Sock" has built in heating/cooling core and a computer system that uplinks to the National Microsoft Weather center and adjusts temperature depending on the current weather conditions.
Telephones - All telephones will have built-in Microsoft e-mail clients (and a thousand other useless features). Why not just talk to the people?
Star ships (in the far future) - MS1701-D USS Billyprise
Trar Trek TV shows: Star Trek the Microsoft Generation, Star Trek IE 9, and Star Trek Explorer.
Oil - Microsoft will buy up all oil companies and reintroduce Standard Oil.
Batteries - The new "Microgizer" it keeps on crashing and crashing and crashing... still crashing, nothing out crashes like the Microgizer.
Children's toys. (Oh, they already did that!) Assimilating children ages 2-6.
TV Dinners - Microsoft introduces "Web TV Dinners". Don't forget to read that restrictive EULA, you may only microwave these in Microsoft Active Microwaves.
Jell-O - there's always room to integrate Jell-O.
Sex toys - Microsoft introduces the Billdo, which lets you have ActiveSex over the Internet. But watch out for those macro viruses!
Micro-Soft women's underwear - Even Bill himself wears it.
Microsoft light bulbs - They last about 10 minutes and burn out in a big blue flash, and they can't be removed or replaced because they are integrated in to the light sockets for the benefit of the consumer.
They brought you wallpaper for your computer desktop, and now for your HOUSE! It comes in Windows logos and MSIE logos, but remember once you put up Microsoft wallpaper it becomes an integrated component of your house and can not be removed.
Tuesday January 19th 2038
This is the story of a fictional character we will call "Joe". The year is 2038 and the entire world has been "Internet enabled". Joe, is just an average person trying to get buy in this cruel and crazy world. Joe, like every one else has fallen victim to the many fads of technology and must cope with them in daily life.
Joe wakes up. It's a surprisingly nice day out and the sun is shining. This is especially surprising since his alarm was supposed to have gotten him up at six o'clock. The clock is, instead flashing "Unable to uplink to MS time server - 12:00". This is odd, because this clock was supposed to remember the time even in the event of a power outage, and it still should have re-synchronized with a time server.
"Oh, well. Don't panic." Thinks joe, "I've been late before, it's not a problem, I'll just call in and tell them I'll be late... What time IS is?"
He gets out of bed and grabs his digital wrist watch, but it is displaying an odd message about being in "safe mode". "What the heck?", thinks Joe. After randomly pushing a few buttons on the watch, he gives up.
Joe notices now that it is cold. He check the thermostat, and notices it is displaying some error message about an out-of-range error in some temperature history database. He flips it off, and then back on and the heater comes on. Problem solved.
Next, he makes a stop in the bathroom. The toilet takes several minutes to flush because it can not uplink to the central waste content management system database. This is nothing new, their system has been down for the last several days affecting the entire city.
While washing his hands, he notices there is no hot water. "Probably needs to be restarted", he thinks, "I will worry about that later. I still don't know what time it is. I'll check my scheduler"
He goes back in to his bedroom and picks up his schedule pad and turns it on. It refuses to display anything sighting an "Unrecoverable Application Error". "I don't have time for this! At least I guess I don't." Joe thinks.
He strolls out in to the kitchen and checks the clock on the stove. "Ah ha! 9:03AM! Damn I'm really late."
He picks up the phone and tries to call his office several times, but he keeps getting a message saying that all circuits are busy.
He opens the refrigerator only to remember that it had been infected by a virus yesterday and most of the food had gone bad. Instead he throws some bread in the toaster and turns on the TV to see if there is anything happening in the world. Unfortunately, he had some friends over last night who had screwed up all of the settings on the TV so all he could pick up now was the MS Home Shopping ActiveChanel.
After messing with the TV for a couple of minutes, he realizes the toast has burnt. Seems some hacker changed its settings over the internet.
"Screw that too, I'll just stuff some cereal in my face."
Joe grabs a box of MS Frosted Flakes, opens it, and grabs a handful of cereal. Several CD ROMs fall out of the box. He picks them up and throws them in the garbage.
After getting fed and dressed he gets in to car to go to work. The car dashboard has hundreds of option switches and displays. He presses several buttons. The car starts up and plays several happy sounding advertisements for various car supplies from the MS motor vehicle division. The displays light up with advertisements and driving tips, obscuring a system error reporting low oil. Half way to work the car grinds to a halt. He pulls over.
He tries several numbers on his car phone, but the same "all circuits are busy" message keeps occurring. In desperation he tries the cars built in e-mail system, but it can not uplink to a mobile network service provider.
In the distance he hears honking and the screeching of tires. He turns around in his seat to see an automated truck swerving through traffic... and coming right for him! The truck plows in to the back of Joe's car.
Joe wakes up in a hospital. There is a mob of screaming, injured people and many doctors and nurses scrambling about in a panic. Still very disoriented, he tries to listen, but only picks up phrases. "major system failure... automated shipping trucks just upgraded with incompatible device drivers... nothing is working... can't log any of this in... resort to pencil and paper... it's all gone to hell... expect more injuries and deaths..."
Finally Joe is moved, hooked to several machines, and left for other patients. the last thing he sees before he dies is a bright blue screen on one of the machines attached to him that reads "An exception 0E has occurred ... "
