HomeIE 4 is EVIL!GUIsNewsAboutLinks
Welcome to
Confuser
Operations
"Where every day is a stupid day thanks to those darn users."

Trouble shooting:
(aim the gun more carefully toward your head)

Here at the OMS we receive stupid questions by the truck load. This page is designed to decrease our workload by allowing users to look up answers to questions here, rather than calling and bothering me in the middle of surfing the internet. But since nobody in this office can read, more or less figure out how to use a browser this page is useless. Well, I can show it to management, and they will "ohhh" and "ahhh" at the animated graphics. Oh, and it looks like work too.


Problem:  I can't VAX!
There are multiple solutions based what you mean by "VAX":
Meaning 1: Using the VAXLOAD software:
Solution:  You need to upgrade to version 2.30 of the GA DOA Data Collection System.
Meaning 2: Using KEA dial up
Solution:  You need to press "enter" the type the password then press "enter" again
Meaning 3: Connection to a print/file share
Solution:  Forget it; it won't work.
Meaning 4: Transferring files via FTP:
Solution: Make sure the user ID and password are your VMS user ID and password, and that they are correct.
Meaning 5: Connecting via Telnet
Solution: Double-Click on your VT320 or KEA icon.
Meaning 6: Using the VMS system
Solution: Call the support center downtown.
Meaning 7: Using you vacuum cleaner
Solution: Make sure your VAX is plugged in, switched on and over carpet. Remember, nothing sucks like a VAX!
Meaning 8: I don't understand any of this
Solution: Go to the local library and ask for a book titled "T.F.M.".

Problem: My computer won't do anything
Solution: Make sure your computer is turned on, plugged in, and there is no little square thing (called a disk) in the slot (called a drive) in your computer when you turn it on.

Problem: My computer won't do what I want
Solution: Computers do not automatically know what you want. To get them to do what you want them to do, you must pray to them. Computers are also slow, to speed them up you should sacrifice small animals to them. Your request may take time, so keep a constant vigil until your request is complete.

Problem:  You ain't helping me with what I want.
Solution:  I do not automatically know what you want. To get me to help you with what you want, you must pray to me. Help requests take time, to speed them up you should submit virgin females to me... pizza would be cool also. Your request may take time, so go play with dynamite until your request is complete.

Problem:  My computer says I did something "illegal" and "invalid", am I an trouble?
Solution:  YES! Run for it! The Microsoft police have been notified and have dispatched "BOB" units to your location. Your fate will be worse than death.

Problem:  I don't understand computer
Solution:  I don't understand human

Problem:  My Microsoft keeps crashing every few minutes
Solution:  Did you know that Microsoft writes the code for autopilot systems in all major airplanes?

Problem:  When are we going to get Macintosh Windows 98?
Solution:  We are not. We will be converting all of you to unix.

Problem:  Will you show me how to... on my computer?
Solution:  Refer to the training web page on that subject.

Problem:  Will you show me how to start "Netscape" on my computer?
Solution:  Refer to the training web page on that subject.

Problem:  I can't Print!
Solution:  So what?

Problem:  I need my AOL!
Solution:  Just use the DOA network, their service is just as crappy.

Problem:  Your ass-istant came by and....
Solution:  Ill be right over and fix your computer.

Problem:  Now my computer is all different!
Solution:  You can maximize the program by clicking on its icon on the task bar.

Problem:  Program group somehow got deleted Solution: Windows needs to be reprogrammed.
Solution: Thanks for the solution, you sure hit the nail on the head here...

Problem:  Cant read files from disk.
Solution:  Disks that have sand pouring out of them tend to be unreadable.

 Problem:  It won't work!
Solution:  Slam your head in the door and try again.

Problem:  I don't want to work with this stupid thing!
Solution:  Funny, your computer said the same thing about you.

Problem:  I deleted a file, and its not in the recycle thing, I want it back.
Solution:  When a file is removed from the recycle bin, it is sent to a place called \dev\nul. You should direct all retrieval requests to this place.

Problem:  My computer is doing weird stuff.
Solution: Unless it creates a rift in the space-time continuum, don't bother me with it.

Problem: I can't remember my password
Solution: Ill reset your password... your new password is "dumbass". (no spaces)

Problem:  I can't remember who I am.
Solution:   This is a common problem as there is much to remember about ones self. Everyone should have a first name, a middle name, and a last name. Most people should have a street address and a telephone number. DOA technicians should also have an identification code. Most people keep this information written down with them. Check your pockets, you probably forgot that you have a wallet with this information in it. If you are unable to find this information, then i can't help you. Ask people around you if they know who you are.

Problem: The computer displays "Non-system disk or disk error" message.
Solution:  You killed it!!! Nooo!!! What a horrible way to ruin a computer...

Problem: The computer displays "missing operating system"
Solution:  Put it back.

Problem:  I cant upload to the BBS
Solution:  Dial the BBS phone number on a normal phone. When the BBS answers, swear at it.

Problem: When I print, the print smears
Solution:  Inkjets tend to smear when they are jammed up with vaseline.

Problem: When I print, the print is light
Solution:  Dim your lights, the print will appear darker.

Problem: When I print, there are many horizontal white stripes
Solution:  Its just being original, leave it.

Problem:  My computer will not recognize my CD Rom drive
Solution:  If your computer is a Dell optiplex 590 and someone just "upgraded" you to Windows 95B, then some DORK forgot to re-set the incompatible IDE driver. When microsloth said this was for new computers only THEY WEREN'T KIDDING!

Problem: I am out of disk space
Solution:  deltree c:\windows

Problem: When logging in, the computer says "there is no domain server"
Solution:  The domain server is taking a lunch break. Try back later.

Problem:  The VT320 Terminal emulator will not connect to VAXB
Solution:  The network has its head shoved up its VAX.

Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 will not recognize any mouse plugged in to the PS/2 mouse port.
Solution:  Mice are easily recognizable. If your computer cant figure out what one is, then it is STOOPID.

Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 says i have only 2 megs of ram, and will not start windows.
Solution:  Memory loss... I have the same problem... at least I thought I did.

Problem: I need a car power adapter
Solution:  Sure, no problem, and enjoy playing DOOM while you drive.

Problem: I need a new battery for my laptop
Solution:  Not bloody likely. They are EXPENSIVE! Worth more than you in fact.

Problem:  The pointy-haired boss installed some software on the server.. unfortunately that software was Windows 98.
Solution:  Leave it and get a new job.

Problem:  My keyboard is missing all its keys!
Solution: Turn it over.

Problem:  My computer won't work - you were working on it earlier and now my Microsoft won't let me log in.
Solution: Read what it says on the screen. Is you name ADMINISTRATOR? NO? Type in your OWN USER ID YOU STUPID BRAIN DEAD IDIOT!!! <BLAM!> <BLAM!> Problem solved: user eliminated.

Problem:  My computer has frozen up and is sitting at a black screen and It won't let me do anything.
Solution: Ill come right over and take a look at it as soon as the lights come back on.

Problem:  Someone installed Internet Explorer 4 on my computer!
Solution: Your computer no longer exists. It may look like your computer and run like your computer, but It has been absorbed by IE 4 and replaced by pure evil.

Problem:  I am turning blue and getting dizzy.
Solution: You must remember to breathe. Despite enormous amounts of user education, and literature distribution, the substance known as air has turned out to be one of the most difficult substances to use. You may talk to a live tech support person regarding air usage, if you happen to know how to use a telephone. Additional literature on air usage may also be requested, but you probably can't read either. There is also on-line help on our web page, but if you can use a browser to get there, you are probably smart enough to know how to breathe.

Problem:  There is this _thing_ running around on my screen and I can't make it go away and it sometimes stops and sits there and sometimes it moves around and then it goes and it does this thing...
Solution: Ah, Ma'am you need to call the central help desk and tell them about this. Baaaaah.

Problem:  I was browsing the web and now it says I need Internet Explorer to view this page. I think I need Internet Explorer can I have it?
Solution: Uhhhhh... Well, uh... That's a porno site Ma'am, only Porno Sites require IE. You don't need IE. (or to men: Sir, thats a "feminine products" site, only "feminine products" sites require IE. You don't need IE)

Back to my Toasty Technology Page